I Admit It – Confessions not Whines

A couple of years ago I went out of town for business every other week for a couple of months and ended staying with a gay guy in his spare bedroom. I asked my wife if it would be OK, and she said sure. The first night we were sitting on his bed waiting for his computer to load a website (dialup) and he said that he wanted me to rub his back. After I started he said that he wanted me to do it under his shirt. I started giving him a back rub under his shirt, and wasn’t sure how to react. I had been with another man before, but only with my wife there watching. I thought that I should ask if he wanted a massage, or just light goose bump touching, but was conflicted. I wanted to touch him sensually, but I thought that this would be cheating because my wife wasn’t there. I ended up giving him a deep muscle massage, but he said he had enough for now. Later that night when I took my shower I masturbated thinking about him.
I could feel the sexual tension between us, but didn’t feel right acting out on my desires. I had copied an XXX video that my wife and I watched once that had 2 guys giving each other blow jobs while the girl watched and I seriously considered bringing it over and watching it with him. I fantasized about watching it with him and watching him masturbate with me but I never did.
One time he came into my room while I was getting undressed for bed and started talking to me while I was taking my clothes off. I always sleep naked except for my socks. I was just about to take my pants off when his kitten came into the room and distracted us. I ended up stopping getting undressed, but later that night I masturbated thinking about him watching me get undressed and seeing my erection while he watched me, imagining him watching me and touching me…
I masturbated every night that I stayed with him, and even left the bedroom door ajar and pretended that he was watching me… maybe he was…I’ll never know. The last day I was there, in the morning before breakfast I was in the kitchen and he walked into the kitchen with his pants unzipped and his hard cock showing. I had a sudden urge to say, “Is that a banana in your pocket, or you just pleased to see me.” I didn’t but I still think about what would have happened if I had asked that question when I masturbate.
Later my wife said that she didn’t want to have sex with me until I was tested for STD’s, but I told her I didn’t have any sexual contact with him. We talked, and she finally believed me.
I am so conflicted. I have sucked another man while my wife watched me and watched her suck another man, but now she really isn’t interested in sex. The only thing she wants to do now is watch me masturbate while she plays with my nipples, or if I get lucky, a little ass play. Sometimes she will let me cum rubbing on her pussy. She likes to have me tell her that a man is touching me while I masturbate, but she has made it clear that it will never happen because of STD”s.
I love my wife more than anything in the world. I love to see her wrap her mouth around another man’s cock, but she says that it is too dangerous and that even though she loves it and she likes to talk about it when I masturbate, it will never happen
Most of the time when I masturbate I think about her agreeing to post a craigslist looking for a man to masturbate with me while she watches. I hope that she will agree to this as long as we practice safe sex, but only time will tell.
I have been masturbating to thoughts of this for the last couple of years and hope that one day my fantasy will come true, but don’t that I can do it unless My wife is OK with it..

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